The Hardest 'Now': How I Regained Control from Binge-Eating
At the heart of addictive behaviour is a paradox. You've lost control, yet you're still capable of change. How can both be true? I grappled with this question for years as I battled my eating disorder.
When Food Takes Control: My Story
I developed bulimia in my early twenties. If you've experienced disordered eating of any kind, you will know its power to hijack both your external life and internal universe. My world grew dark and small as food consumed my identity: my thoughts, passions, hobbies, relationships, and ambitions. All were melting away, and I felt powerless to stop it.
After years of secret pain, I sought help. To this day, I thank my lucky stars for the fast-track course of behavioural therapy I was prescribed. Through this, I finally gave up purging and restricting. I became more stable, improved my self-esteem, and developed better emotional and relationship coping skills.
But I hadn't quit bingeing. Not totally. Though much better, it had lingered long after I gave up dieting. It had taken on a life of its own, no longer linked to restriction or emotional coping. I was doing everything "right", and still, the urges wouldn't leave. While I tried to make peace with it, I couldn't help but wonder where it would end.
That's when I discovered "Brain over Binge" by Kathryn Hansen. This book was my starting point for learning the neuroscience of binge eating and led to some crucial insights that would change my approach to recovery.
The Battle of the Brains: Understanding Our Dual Nature
Through Kathryn's work, I discovered the concept of our "two brains"—the primal brain and the deliberate self. Of course, this is a massive simplification, but this idea helped me make sense of my inner conflict.
Imagine you have two brains: the "primal brain" and the "deliberate self." The primal brain's job is to keep you alive and fulfil your basic needs. It's all about immediate gratification—the voice saying, "Eat now, worry later!"
Your deliberate self is the "rational", long-term thinking part. It's responsible for planning and decision-making. This part of you can step back, analyse situations, and make choices aligned with your long-term interests. It can override impulses from the primal brain, helping you navigate complex social situations and do things that benefit your future self.
These two are out of kilter in people struggling with binge eating. Research has shown that individuals who experience binge eating often have reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, the area associated with self-control and decision-making.
This weakened "deliberate self" can make it feel like we're at the mercy of our urges. But crucially, like a muscle, it's possible to strengthen this part of our brain over time through action.
The Binge-Restrict Cycle: A Necessary First Step
Before we talk about dismissing urges, it's vital to understand why eating regularly and eating enough (even "more than enough") is a non-negotiable first step. In the throes of my eating disorder, I struggled to fully accept how my attempts to control my eating through restriction were fuelling my binge episodes.
Whether through dieting or rigid food rules, restriction sets up a battleground in our bodies and minds. Remember, it's the job of the primal brain to keep you alive. When you under-eat, you teach it that the environment is scarce, so it better get what it can when it can. Physically, it triggers survival mechanisms that make us hyper-focused on food. Psychologically, it creates a sense of deprivation that intensifies cravings and can lead to a "what the hell" effect when we inevitably break our self-imposed rules.
For me, giving up restriction was terrifying. It was the only way I could balance out my binges, which there was no way I could stop. I feared I'd lose all control. But in the end, this act of letting go allowed me to regain power over my life. Only by providing my body with consistent, adequate nourishment could I start to tackle my urges without the subconscious fear of scarcity.
The Power of the Pause: Creating Space for Choice
One of the most potent tools available to us is the ability to create a pause between the urge and the action. This is where the "deliberate self" comes in. By practising mindfulness and metacognition (thinking about our thinking), we can create a space to make conscious choices.
A highly effective technique is the "urge surfing" method. Instead of fighting the urge, you imagine it as a wave. You notice how it builds, peaks, and then naturally subsides. Regularly practising this technique can significantly reduce binge eating episodes.
You don't have to stick with a wave; it worked better for me when I made my own versions. Perhaps you're climbing a mountain. As you climb, the urge intensifies, but eventually, you reach the peak and climb down the other side, where the urge diminishes. Maybe it's a passing train that gets louder as it approaches, then fades into the distance. The important thing is to keep trying until you find something that feels vivid to you.
I can't tell you how much I hated this at first. The urges felt overwhelming, I struggled to picture anything, and the space between impulse and action seemed impossibly small. But with consistent practice, I felt that space growing. Slowly, my confidence grew that I could tolerate this after all—that the urge would pass if I only waited it out. In this space, I began to reclaim my power of choice.
Strengthening Your Observer: Practical Strategies
As I worked on strengthening this part of myself, I found several things valuable:
- Mindfulness Meditation: Even just 5 minutes daily helped and has been shown to significantly reduce binge eating. I started with 1 minute, often restless and distracted, but gradually built up my practice.
- Labelling Thoughts: When I noticed an urge, I'd try labelling it: "I'm having the thought that I need to eat right now." This created psychological distance and often reduced the urge's power. It helped me see that my thoughts weren't commands I had to obey.
- Visualisation: I started imagining my "primal" brain as a separate creature. When urges arose, I'd picture myself talking to this part of my brain; sometimes, I'd even speak to it aloud. I'd acknowledge its concerns but choose not to act on them. This helped me feel compassion for myself while building boundaries.
The Path to Long-Term Change: The Power of Now
I won't sugarcoat it - this process was hard. It took me months of consistent practice before I noticed a fundamental shift. There were times when the thought of constantly fighting urges felt exhausting and overwhelming. I wondered how on earth I would keep it up forever and whether it would be better to give in.
But here's the key: it won't always be this hard. Each time you dismiss an urge, you're physically rewiring your brain. It's like you're chopping a new path through a dense jungle: at first, it's incredibly tough, but slowly, as you clear more and more of the undergrowth, the path becomes much easier to tread.
This isn't just a metaphor – it's the magic of neuroplasticity. Our brains form neural pathways, like well-worn trails, for things we repeat often. These pathways make those behaviours feel automatic and hard to resist. But our brains remain 'plastic', capable of change, throughout our lives. We create a new neural pathway when we consistently choose a new behaviour.
At first, this new path is faint and hard to follow, which is why change feels so difficult. But each time we use it, travel becomes stronger and easier. Meanwhile, the old pathway, the one leading to binge eating, starts to weaken. This is the essence of rewiring your brain.
With every urge dismissed, you're casting a vote for a new neural pathway, for a new future for yourself. Right now is the hardest it will ever be. But you must act now. Not next time or the time after. Because "now" is the only place you can act.
Eventually, you'll feel those overwhelming temptations start to fade. You won't have to resist urges all day, every day, forever. By consistently choosing not to engage with the urges, you're working towards a life where you are free.
A Rounded Approach to Recovery
While getting to grips with this aspect of our urges is crucial, addressing underlying factors like stress, emotional regulation, and nutritional balance is also essential. Working with a behavioural therapist specialising in eating disorders was decisive in my journey. They helped me stabilise my eating and address the emotional and behavioural factors maintaining my disorder.
Remember, you don't have to do this alone. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. I encourage you to reach out for this support.
In future posts, I'll delve into the various insights and strategies I learned through therapy and subsequent research—from nutrition to CBT and DBT techniques—and how these support change.
Wrapping Up: A Message of Hope
Living with binge eating can feel hopeless, but there is light. It's crucial to recognise that your primal brain isn't the enemy—it's trying to protect you; it just got lost along the way. If you've under-eaten in the past, it has (understandably!) learnt to respond with desperation.
The path to healing involves strengthening your deliberate self and rebuilding trust with this part of your brain. It means providing your body with "more than enough" nourishing food. As you do this, your body will gradually learn not to fear scarcity. By addressing both aspects—strengthening your deliberate self and adequately nourishing your body—you can overcome the hardest "now" and forge a path to freedom where, one day, it will feel automatic.
